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There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

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Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

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Hi there, what's up you guys???

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

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Hi there, what's up you guys???

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

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Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

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I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I am not young enough to know everything.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Need To Stop Snoring Now

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

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The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

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A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

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Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

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The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

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The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

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A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

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I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

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There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Why don't you write books people can read?

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

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One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

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I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.

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To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

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Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

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Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

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The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

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There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

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I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

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People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

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Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

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A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

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The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

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If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit k�mpfen G�tter selbst vergebens

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

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Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

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Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

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The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

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There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.